There has been a lot of talk about suicide lately. I'm not going to profess to know everything so if you are looking for an education on the subject you best read something from www.beyondblue.org.au
I read in a book that the opposite of happiness is unhappiness not depression. I really liked that so kudos for Gretchin Rubin.
One thing I will say to people who have no sympathy for the mentally ill is this; it is an illness. If someone is addicted to drugs and you wonder why they keep relapsing realise this; it is an illness.
People with serious mental health issues struggle EVERY DAY. Somedays the struggle is bigger than others, but just like a reformed smoker who thinks of smoking whenever they see a "non smoking" sign it is a daily fight.
On really bad days the negative thoughts suddenly take the reins and you wonder firstly how you let it happen (they once the guilt sets in) you wonder why. And what now. And why now.
And why is it still happening. What is wrong with you that this "stuff" still bothers you- you're supposed to be stronger than this... all these insecurities that seemed to not weigh more than a handbag are now crushing your spirit.
If you have been fortunate to have gotten support previously you pull out the toolkit and get to work.
There is a fork in the road and you choose. Some people choose the path with the least pain, others take the painful path and emerge on the other side. After a while of this emotional rollercoaster, where each repeat on the ride hits you harder and dips you deeper you choose. Sometimes, for some, it feels like there is no choice. You look at the people in your toolkit and feel like you have worn them down, that they are better off without you, that you are broken.... And you choose to end the pain. Sometimes- just sometimes- there might be one person who you can't bear to hurt- someone who is bright eyed and optimistic, non judging.. Who doesn't even know their importance to you....that they inspire you to keep going.
You might not know where the road is going and you have no long term plan but you know that deep down you ending YOUR pain will damage them so very much- so you just carry on.
Slowly you crawl out and celebrate each rung of the ladder- the up and the down. Knowing each down rung enables you to realise you are going down before you hit the rock bottom again.
You just can't hit rock bottom again because you know- deep down if you do. You might not get back up.